


Something I Can Never Have

by AlexandrinaRen



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Force Bond, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 11:09:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13340004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexandrinaRen/pseuds/AlexandrinaRen
Summary: Rey wakes up from a nerve wracking nightmare, only to find Ben there, just as shaken by the same nightmare. The bond between them isn't broken, but the situation hasn't changed. They're still on opposite sides of the war.





	1. Nightmares & Midnight Contemplations

_Some days it's hard to see_  
_If I was a fool, or you, a thief_  
_Made it through the maze to find my one in a million_  
_Now you're just a page torn from the story I’m building_

 _And all I gave you is gone_  
_Tumbled like it was stone_  
_Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake_  
_Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made_  
_Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up  
\- MIIA Dynasty_

 

I woke up with a gasp, coming to a sitting position so fast that my head spun and my vision went black for a few seconds. Adrenaline rushed unbidden in my bloodstream and my heart thrummed a wild beat inside my ribcage. A cold trickle of sweat ran the length of my spine.  
       Even though my eyes were open, all I could see was red. Red like fresh blood.  
       I had been back in that room again. That horrible red room. Forced to kneel before an unreadable Ben. My knees levitating over the floor, unable to move, courtesy of Snoke’s force-hold on my body. The Praetorian Guard lining the room were deadly quiet, focused on us.  
      I couldn’t read Ben. I couldn’t feel a thing from him. His mind was closed, and his face was utterly expressionless. Devoid of any emotion. I didn’t want it to affect me, not now. I had given up everything for the hope I’d had in him. Left Luke and my training behind. I couldn’t just give up at the first sign of an obstacle. But his blank stare was making it really hard.  
      I’d tried to ignore every nagging misgiving, even as he’d met me in my shuttle without a word, and led me straight to his leader. My greatest enemy. I’d tried to let my burning hope, my fighting spirit, fuel my strength and my belief in him. I had always felt the conflict within him, tearing him apart from the inside. And even though the future wasn’t a solid thing, I had seen it so clearly, he would turn, and I would be the one to help him.  
      Even with my hands cuffed together, I’d stood so close to him in that elevator, his dark eyes following my every movement as he silently listened. And even though I’d seen a spark of something in his dark eyes, he hadn’t turned back or faltered. He’d still led me straight to Snoke. Kneeling mutely as I was tortured for information.  
      Behind me Snoke droned on, but I didn’t hear a word he was saying. My eyes stayed locked with Ben’s as he lifted his saber slowly, face still blank. I tried to keep the panic out of my eyes, out of my face. Instead I kept my eyes wide open, trying to instill the sense of hope I felt for him. He wouldn’t hurt me. Couldn’t hurt me. Determination made me clamp my lips together and my neck stiff as a board.  
      ”I know what I have to do.” Ben said.  
       _You won’t do this Ben. You won’t hurt me._  
      The saber came alive in Ben’s gloved hands, sparking and thrumming with energy. The red light burned my eyes, and heat fanned my skin. My pulse thrummed an incessant beat against my eardrums.  
      ”Ben.” I whispered, my voice breaking. All my reasons for coming here, suddenly feeling just as naive and futile as Luke had made them out to be.  
      ”You think you can turn him? pathetic child.” Snoke sneered behind me.  
      Ben swung the lightsaber up in a glowing arc, before it came crashing down. The serrated red line cutting through my body with deadly force, unstoppable. My whole body burned with pain as I fell forward, Snoke’s hold on me, finally releasing in death.  
     ”NOOOOO.” a hoarse scream cut through the deafening silence.  
     I frowned, wiping away the damp strands of hair that had stuck to my forehead. It was that scream that had finally broken the illusion. Because that hadn’t been what happened at all. Ben hadn’t killed me, he’d killed Snoke instead, and together, we’d fought and killed the remaining Praetorian guard. He’d killed his master and risked his life.  
     For me. _For us_ a small voice added.  
     And the scream, it hadn’t been mine at all. It had been Ben’s.  
     Slowly, I let my hands drop from my face and my gaze travel across the white walls of my cramped room. The lights on the door panel casting a blueish light over my surroundings. To the left, where another bunkbed should’ve stood against the wall I could suddenly see into a pitch black room. The inside of an unlit ship. His room.  
     My heart constricted when I saw the dark form in the bed across from mine. He was sitting on a small bed, not too different from the one I was occupying. No luxuries for even the Supreme Leader in the First Order it seemed. He was fully clothed, except for his gloves and his cowl that were placed on the floor beside his bed. The sheet he had used as a blanket pooled around his legs and his raven hair hung limp around his face, sticking to the sides of his forehead. His thick brows were knitted over his eyes, turning them more black than brown. His breathing fast and harsh.  
     Heat surged in my stomach as his dark gaze met mine, silver lining his lower lash line. He was gasping for breath, shaking slightly. My mind reeled as realization struck. He’d had the same dream as me. Or rather, I had somehow stepped into his. And it was he that had screamed so loudly - when his dream self had killed me - that he had woken us both up. He had screamed _no_. I could feel the fear and regret emanating from him.  
     I sat up straighter, turning towards him.  
     ”It was just a nightmare.” I croaked. My voice raspy from sleeping.  
     He visibly flinched, breaking eye contact to stare down at his clenched fists. A few moments of silence passed as I watched his downturned face, the only sound my rapid heartbeats and his ragged breaths. Maybe his presence should've scared me, but I was just as certain now, as I had been on the Supremacy. He wouldn’t kill me. That had only been a part of his nightmare. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. Didn’t want to. Even if it went against everything he had been taught.   
     He suddenly straightened, his eyes meeting mine again. Totally dry and cold. In the few moments that I had watched him silently, he had tried to gather himself. Turning back into Kylo Ren; the only role he knew how to play. He raised a gloveless hand towards me, biting out a cold command.   
     ” **Tell me where you are.** ”  
     I could feel the force he was exerting over me, powerful and commanding. But I only felt it through our bond, from him. In reality, I felt nothing at all.  
     I stared at him non-plussed, quirking a brow.  
     ”You can’t be serious Ben?”  
     His outstretched hand fell limply to his lap as he shrugged. The Supreme Leader of of the First Order actually shrugged. As if to say w _ell it was worth a shot._ In his ever changing eyes, that wouldn’t quite meet mine, I saw Ben again. Too young and innocent to fit the stoic mask. He inhaled slowly through his nose, trying to regain full control over himself. But I suspected that the nightmare had broken something inside him, leaving him wide open.  
     He raked a hand through his tousled hair, making it fall in a tangled disarray around his face. I stifled the impulse to reach out towards him, to smooth the wild tresses. Instead I studied him in silence as he fidgeted, observing every feature, every line. The hollows under his eyes had turned purplish since the last time I saw him, and his pale skin was stretched taut over his high cheekbones. His full lips, chapped and pale. This probably wasn’t the first nightmare he’d had recently, he looked completely exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. He obviously slept fully clothed for a reason, ready to spring into action at any moment. Or rather so desperate for sleep that he would take any opportunity for sleep that presented itself. Even if it meant going to bed without removing his outer garments.  
     I hadn’t seen or felt a thing from him since Crait, when he had knelt before me with tears in his dark eyes, looking up at me imploringly.He hadn’t said anything, hadn’t repeated his offer. Hadn’t charged after me. Even after all the rage and betrayal he’d felt since I left him in Snoke’s throne room. Nevertheless the emotion in his eyes had almost scorched my insides.  
    Yet in that moment, I had felt cold. Completely numb. As I closed the door on him, on our connection. The stinging whip of disappointment burning like fire in my veins. I’d staked everything on my belief in him, in the vision of his future. Even though he’d killed Snoke and we’d fought together in perfect unison to defeat the praetorian guards, the end result hadn’t been what I had envisioned.I had somehow, naively believed that as soon as he was free of Snoke’s invading influence he would turn back to the light. To me. That all his previous misdeeds would be undone. All a result of the hold Snoke had, had over him his entire life. But the need for power within him had been too great. So great that he just brushed away all my hopes.  
     I’d felt the betrayal and hurt flaring through his mind when I’d refused his offer.  
     Hot tears ran down my cheeks as I watched his outstretched hand.  
_Please_ , he intoned, his voice a fragile thing. Gloved hand straining towards me.  
     Even so, I could not follow him down the path he was taking. Not like this.  
     A few days had passed since then, and we’d finally been able to land the Falcon on a remote planet along the outer rim. I barely remembered the name of the place, Bpfassh something, it didn’t matter; It was a desert planet like so many others. I hadn’t exactly missed the climate and we weren’t staying here long. We’d just ambled out of the ship, the few of us that were left, trying to find someplace to hide. Leia had heard of a small stretch of land that had been utilized by the Republic during the Clone Wars, and it was there we were headed. We’d finally been able to access an old building that had been used by the resistance before, it was buried deep in underground, hidden by sand dunes. It was old and severely dated, but it was usable. Our goal was only to get some rest and to restock our supplies. I knew the others had been trying to reach possible allies of ours, but so far many hadn’t answered. I hadn’t really payed attention.  
     I spent my days walking around aimlessly, unable to explain to anyone the full extent of the loss I’d experienced.  
     It wasn’t just Luke. It was the loss of an entire future.  
     So I mourned quietly, tongue tied by my own device.  
     Of course there was one person I couldn’t lie to. Chewie had after all known exactly where I was going when he sent me off in my shuttle after we’d left Ahch-to. So I’d finally told him. I told him everything that had happened between me and Ben, and what had finally made me flee, like a thief in the night, in Snoke’s ship; the strange vessel he had seen me land in as I met up with him and the Falcon. He wasn’t too happy about my choice not to tell the General or the others, but he could understand my reasons. Sooner or later though, I’d have to come clean. I knew that. But it didn’t make it any easier, or my reasons for omitting the truth, less true.  
     I spent some time with Finn and Poe as well, though they were both mostly occupied. Poe with rebuilding and organizing what was left of our group, and Finn in the med-bay. He was hovering around the dark haired girl named Rose who was recuperating in the makeshift med-room. I had seen the change in him immediately when we fled Crait. He’d left my side only to end up across from me, at her bedside, gazing at her with such emotion that I felt like an intruder, just for looking. I’d sat there, staring at them forlornly, clutching the broken pieces of the lightsaber in my hands and trying so hard, not to think, about a certain person. A certain person that would never look at me the same way, not openly at least.  
     It was even harder not to think about that person, when said persons mother sat down beside me, something so painfully familiar in her features and in her bearing. She grasped one of my numb hands, placing her strong hand over one of the severed lightsaber pieces, not knowing who had broken it. Together we spoke of Luke’s passing, and mourned without tears.  
     All the while I tried to strengthen my resolve. It had been the right thing to leave him there, unconscious and bleeding on the floor of the collapsing Supremacy. It had been right to close the door on him as he knelt inside the base on Crait, eyes begging me to stay. It had been right, but it hadn’t been easy.  
     Whenever I spent time with Finn though, we soon fell in to familiar patterns. Talking to him had always been easy, effortless. Still he continued to ask me what had happened on Ahch-to, why I’d left Luke before completing my training. I tried to be as truthful as possible, telling him about how stubborn Luke had been in his choice not to train me. And then I told him about when he’d actually started to give me lessons. He’d laughed at Luke’s strange antics, and Leia had joined in with tears rimming her brown eyes. I completely omitted the encounters I’d had with Ben however, as they would only lead to a slew of other questions that I didn’t wish to answer. I repeated the same story to Poe and all the other officials. Feeling shame rise in me as I did.  
     I’d had to tell them about Snoke however, and that part was trickier. Rumors had spread through outthe Galaxy of the new Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren and that needed explanation. I told them that I’d had a force vision on Ahch-to and decided to fly to the Supremacy and kill Smoke myself, and that I had succeeded, besting both him and Kylo Ren. The lie felt like venom in my throat, but I stuck to it. The others were bewildered and shocked, but overall too exhausted and desolate to argue or to believe otherwise. It was clear however, that they wondered why I hadn’t finished the job, why I had left Kylo Ren alive.  
     That part I could barely explain to myself. We were on opposite sides of this war. Yet I knew that I didn’t have it in me, to kill him. That hadn’t been the plan when I’d tried to take the saber from him, just to disarm him. Incapacitate him, so that I could escape and help my friends.   
     When I’d woken up after we had split the saber in two, I had dizzily scrambled to my feet, trying to gauge my surroundings. Just a few feet away from me, Ben lay sprawled on his side, still unconscious. I’d limped towards the broken pieces of the lightsaber, picking them up gingerly and stowing them in my pockets. The crystal inside had cracked, and I had no idea if it was salvageable or not, but that was a problem for later. It was just a matter of time before someone would come barging in here and see what we had done. I needed to get out quickly, the resistance needed my help. I searched the room, frantically trying to think of a way out, limping along the length of the circular chamber. Finally I spotted something, just beyond the huge windows, a smaller vessel situated just at the side of the throne room. Snoke’s own ship. It was accessible through a side door. I thought I could override the access panel, board the ship and leave, before they noticed anything. They were too occupied with blowing up the resistance ships.  
     Even so, I just couldn’t resist the temptation. Just before I made my way to the ship, I crouched down next to Ben’s prone form. His dark disheveled hair covered his pale face, but I could see that his chest was moving slowly. I leaned down, hesitating for a second before I swept the black strands aside, watching his smoothed facial expression. The usual scowl that twisted his features was replaced by a look of almost childlike innocence, even as his eyes fluttered under his bruised lids. I reached out towards his mind, but found it peaceful and slumbering. He would not wake up yet. I stroked his cheek lightly before I could stop myself, and then got up. It was time to leave. My heart wrenched inside my chest as I turned and ran over to the small ship. Never looking back. I couldn’t risk faltering.  
     I froze, holding my breath. While I’d sat lost in thought, Ben had sat up straighter in his bed. Scooting closer to the edge so that his longs legs swung over the side. If I sat up as well, our knees would almost be touching. I glanced up, loose strands of hair shielding me from full the force of his gaze. The look he gave me, caught me completely of guard.  
     ”What?” I asked, my voice barely audible.  
     He leaned towards me, biting his lower lip.  
     ”I don’t get the look on your face, and everything you feel is usually written all over it. Especially when it comes to me.” he admitted quietly, searching my features with an intensity that made my cheeks burn. I couldn’t say the same about him, his emotions were always hidden behind the carefully cultivated mask of Kylo Ren. His anger the only thing he allowed himself to express. I reached out towards his mind, a tendril just skimming the surface. I still felt a conflict raging through him, but the two conflicting points where not the same. I couldn’t quite grasp it.  
     I swung towards him, mirroring his earlier movements, detangling myself from the thin blanket and swinging my legs over the edge. Cold air brushed my bare skin. I had been right, my knees where only inches from his. Staring at the space between our bodies my mouth suddenly felt dry.  
     ”Well I don’t know what to make of you.” I admitted. ”Or how to feel about this connection.”  
     ”You don’t look at me like I’m a monster anymore.” he mused, as if it surprised him.  
     I softened a little. ”That's because I don’t think you are.”  
     But what did it matter what I thought? he shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be able to see him at all.Snoke had after all claimed that it was he that had bridged the distance between our minds. Now he was dead, and the bond should have broken with it. Yet it hadn’t, and I was putting my friends at risk by letting him see me, risking me giving anything away. These encounters were however, still out of our control. I hadn’t actively tried to enter his nightmare, I had been sucked into it, and now I had to remain with him as long as the bond saw fit.  
     I sighed, angrily wiping at the tangled hair that kept slipping out of the knot at the back of my head and into my eyes. It just slipped right out again when I swiped it behind my ear. Ben made a sudden movement that made me look up from our almost touching knees. His bare hand was raised towards me, his mouth slightly open as if he were holding his breath. It looked like he wanted to touch the stray hairs I was battling. Like he wanted to stroke them aside. I sucked in my lower lip, waiting. But his hand froze midair and remained hanging between us, before it finally fell back to the edge of his bed. He moved infinitesimally closer.  
     ”Where are you Rey?” his brows furrowed in concentration”I still can’t see anything of your surroundings.” Something I was very happy about.  
     I cut him a glare. ”You know I can’t tell you that.”  
     He leaned back, clenching his jaw. ”No, I supposed not.”  
     ”Why don’t you tell me where you are?” I fired back.  
     His throat bobbed as he gestured vaguely. ”On a ship.”  
     I scoffed. ”I can see that, but where is that ship exactly? chasing after us I presume?”  
    He sighed, a lick of irritation darkening his eyes. ”Actually I have my sights set on something more important at the moment.” I cocked a brow at him, compelling him to elaborate, but he remained quiet, refusing to say anything else. We stared at each other as the silence stretched into minutes.  
     I finally caved in,questions burning inside me. ”How is this even possible Ben?”  
     He cocked his head, uncomprehending. ”This?”  
     I pointed at the small space between our beds. ”How can the force bring us together like this, Snoke said that he was the one that bridged our minds, but he is dead, shouldn’t the bond have ended with his death?”  
     For some reason I almost thought Ben looked a bit uncomfortable, though I couldn’t fathom why. ”I don’t know, but I’m trying to find out.”  
     ”Find out how?”  
     He swallowed, shaking his head. ”I have my ways.”  
     ”What does that even mean?” I asked, exasperated.  
     ”Just that I’m trying to find out.”  
     I exhaled loudly, gripping the edge of my bed. He was just full of answers as usual. Ben leaned further back, probably feeling the irritation pulsing from my mind as I scrutinized his face, trying to read something in his features or his surroundings that would give him away. But that wasn’t what I saw..  
     In the dim lighting of his room, the scar that slashed across his face stood out in sharp relief. It was suddenly my turn to flinch as I beheld it silently. The scar crept across his cheek, down beneath the collar of his black shirt, vicious and indented in places. The anger slowly fizzled out and died. I didn’t exactly regret my actions. I couldn’t, it had been the only way to stop him without killing him. He had been too mindless and hurt in his rage and sorrow to know when to stop. I knew he would’ve stopped eventually, he wouldn’t hurt me. But it would’ve ended with my capture, and that wouldn’t have gone well for me at all. Still seeing the scar now, really looking at it, made me ache for him. For the hurt I had bestowed him, when he had never physically hurt me. I wanted to reach out and trace the jagged line with the pad of my fingers.  
     I leaned forward without intending to, wanting to get closer. He’d somehow read my intentions both in my mind and in my face, and he pivoted his upper body towards me. Allowing me to slide one cold fingertip against the side of his cheek. Tracing the uneven scar. I knew a wound such as this, would never heal completely, but it didn’t seem to pain him. He watched me silently with something akin to reverence in his dark eyes.  
    I was growing bolder, my finger sliding slowly upward, across his eye. He closed them willingly, exhaling slowly. Like he’d been holding in a pent up breath. My fingertip was alive with feeling, electricity crackling between my skin and his. His soft hair brushed my finger as I reached the end of the cut. I inhaled shakily, scenting something in the air that definitely wasn’t coming from my room. It was the scent of him, warm and citrusy and very, male. _What was I doing?_ I lost my nerve suddenly, letting my hand drop lamely.I shouldn’t be touching him, I should tell him to leave me alone. Right now. To break the connection. And yet..  
    There was this strange feeling of a truce between us, somehow brought on by the late hour. There were so many unspoken things between us, so much anger and so much hurt. But I couldn’t bring myself to rage at him for what he’d done on Crait, not right then. And I could feel the hurt deep inside him, a hurt that only needed a little stoking to turn into blinding rage. But right now that felt so far away. The nightmare had laid us both bare.  
     For this one moment, we were not alone.  
_You’re not alone_ , Ben had said so quietly to me on Ahch-to, bringing me the hope I needed. And whenever we spoke like this, that felt true, I didn’t feel alone.  
    This time his bare hand reached out towards me, hanging in the space between our beds. Giving me the choice. Without thinking, I scooted closer, so that my leg brushed his knee. Energy sparked between our bodies, even though we were separated by the thick fabric of his pants. I wetted my lips and reached a tentative hand to meet his. My eyes never leaving his as I closed the distance between us. Just like the last time, energy sang between our minds, as our hands touched, skin to skin. I felt a thrill travel through my body from the very edge of my fingertips down to the tips of my toes. I gasped, at the same time as I heard him suck in a shaky breath, his calloused fingers closing around my smaller hand. Holding on.  
     ”Rey.” he breathed, voice husky.  
     The vision that had played in my minds inner eye the last time we touched, appeared again. Still not crystal clear, but the end result was exactly the same. My eyes stung and smarted. I wanted that future so much, I needed it. A future in which I was not alone, where I belonged,had a purpose.  
      Across from me, Ben’s eyes brimmed with an unreadable emotion, his features lit up by revelation. Without even trying to, a maelstrom of emotions made their way from his mind to mine, shocking me with their intensity. He flitted from one emotion to another so quickly, I couldn’t read them all.But one thing was clear, he wanted whatever he saw just as much as I wanted it. He wanted it so much that he was preparing to draw me towards him, dragging me by my captured hand. I didn’t exactly think I would end up wherever he was, but I couldn’t risk it.  
    In his eyes I saw all the things he wanted to say, that he wanted to repeat. _Join_ _me, and together we can bring a new order to the galaxy. Please._  
   I flexed my fingers inside his grip, forcing him to loosen his hold on me.  
      ”My answer hasn’t changed Ben.”  
    He remained silent for a heartbeat, debating. His large hand still engulfing mine.  
_Betrayal, hurt, resignation_ flashed through his mind.  
    ”I know.” the hopelessness in his voice was heartbreaking.  
      I leaned forward, raw hope, sparking inside me again ”Please Ben, its not too late for you. I still saw the same future I saw the last time we touched. You standing by my side, turning towards the light. I’ll help you.”  
    He averted his eyes, conflict raging through him once again. He hadn’t decided yet. There was still that ongoing battle inside his head between, Kylo Ren and Ben Solo. The Kylo Ren he had sacrificed everything for to become, and the Ben Solo he had tried so hard to kill, who had somehow come to life once more. And he was mad at me for it, for bringing Ben back to the surface. For making it harder to wear the mask of Kylo Ren. For making him feel things that he had buried so deep inside him these past years. But deep down I think he knew, just as I did, that Ben had never truly been dead, only subdued.  
     A loud knocking on my door gave me - us both - a start. Startling, my hand slipped out of Ben’s. I turned my head to the door as a husky, gravelly voice called out my name. The owner of that voice impossible not to recognize. Especially for Ben, even though he hadn’t heard it for years. I felt an unidentifiable feeling spark through our bond, only to give way to something darker.  
   Trepidation grew in the pit of my stomach as I tore my eyes from the door and turned my gaze back to him. He couldn’t see the door, but he’d followed the direction of my diverted attention, and somehow heard the voice. I didn’t need to force my way into his head to guess what he was feeling. The change in his eyes was instantaneous. The little warmth that had kindled in them, had sputtered, and died out. His full lips forming a thin line, whitening.  
     I felt the warmth leech from my cheeks. “Ben” I whispered, not able to hide the slight quiver in my voice, caused by the wrenching feeling in my stomach.  
     His dark eyes snapped from the door to my face. My heart stuttered and ached. There was such anger burning in his intense gaze. An anger that I hadn’t seen directed at me since we fought on the snowy forest planes of Starkiller base.  
   “Ben Solo is dead.” his tone was clipped again, the voice of the mask. Stone cold.  
     My eyes burned and watered. “Please don’t be like that.”  
     His fists clenched and unclenched at his sides as he studiously ignored me, turning his eyes to the interior of his own room. A muscle twitched at his jaw, playing beneath the surface of his pale skin. The anger wafted of off him in great sweltering waves.  
     The knocking on my door grew more insistent, forcing me to tear my eyes away from him again. I rose from the bed on shaky legs and strode towards the door. I just had time to turn the lock before Leia barreled in to the room, cane clutched so tightly in her small hand that her knuckles paled. She swept past me, scanning the room wildly, passing over me, the bed, and then back to me again. Ben was of course, long gone. Like a mirage, he had simply vanished into thin air.  
     “Is something wrong General?” I tried to sound nonchalant, normal.  
     Usually she would’ve told me to stop with the formalities and to just call her Leia, but she said nothing. Her warm brown eyes searched my face as her fingers clenched the top of the cane so hard that the wood creaked. Several tense seconds passed as she scrutinized my face. Finally she let out a long breath, wiping the back of her free hand across her forehead, and then promptly sat down in the ragged armchair I had placed next to the door.  
     “I thought..” she began, then huffed another loud breath and leaned back in the chair, resting the cane across her knees. I watched her quietly. She had just recovered from a near death experience, plus the loss of her twin, and she was up and running. Refusing to rest when there was work to be done. Her graying hair was coiled around her head in a pristine braid, not a hair out of place. But there was something slightly unhinged in her eyes.  
     “Everything is off with the force since Luke..” she trailed off, her gaze far away. “I just, I thought I felt something, I thought I felt.. it was as if he…” she was rambling, which was so unlike her. She was always so poised, and collected. I knew the “he” she was referring to wasn’t Luke, and somehow, just like Luke had on Ahch-to, she had been able to sense his presence, even though our meeting was just happening in our minds. I was going to have to be careful with that.  
     I just didn’t know what to say. Even though I had grown really close to her these past few days, I hadn’t been able to bring myself to tell her what had transpired between me and her son. Though I really should’ve told her of all people. It was partly because I was ashamed of my own actions and the risks I had taken, and partly because I didn’t want her to experience the same hope that had flared in me, only for it to be brutally wrenched away.   
     Ben wasn’t ready for the future I had foreseen, not yet. This latest encounter had only served to prove that. I wanted to come to her with actual good news, I wanted to bring hope.  
     Until I had that, I would wait. Just a little longer.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here goes nothing. So this is my first fan fiction ever, or the first one I’ve published at least. I’ve written some one shots for myself previously, but they were really short and I haven’t shown them to anyone. Anyways, I’ve been a Star Wars fan since I was about 10 years old, and Reylo-Fan since Force Awakens, but my obsession had kinda cooled off in the years between the movies. But after seeing TLJ I was completely hooked, I couldn’t get Rey and Kylo out of my mind, I needed to know what happened to them after TLJ, so I started writing.
> 
> Since then I’ve seen the movie two more times, and I’m just as obsessed. They’ve taken over my whole life, I spend all my time reading and writing about them, cruising the Reylo hashtag on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.
> 
> And I finally decided to take the leap, to dare to publish some of my writing online to share with you guys. I have no idea where this will lead, this was just the first thing that came to mind when I started to think about what would happen next for Reylo. This might be a oneshot, and I might write several chapters, we’ll see.  
> Please feel free to let me know if you like my writing or not, I appreciate comments, kudos and any sort of feedback you can leave me. I just want to know if this story is even worth continuing! :)
> 
> P.S I’m Swedish, so I hope you guys won’t be too bothered by eventual grammatical errors, as English isn’t my native language.


	2. Taking Back Control & Finding Balance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After her late night encounter with Ben, Rey decides to try to get herself together and do something useful. But before she knows it, the connection opens up again, putting Rey and her friends at risk. And even though she should try to actively sever the connection, she's unable to.

_I've always been a hunter_  
_Nothing on my tail_  
_ But there was something in you  
I knew, could make that change _

 _To capture a predator_  
_ You can't remain the prey_  
_ You have to become_  
_An equal_  
_In every way_  
\- Become the Beast by Karliene

  

Long after Leia had excused herself I lay awake in bed, unable to sleep. My pulse was still too erratic in my veins, making me feel skittish and restless. The thrill of the nightmare still coursing through my bloodstream. The anger and betrayal in Ben’s eyes still burning my skin. Tossing and turning, I eventually gave up on the whole thing. I had done enough sleeping for the night, and I didn’t want to risk getting sucked into yet another nightmare. Even though I was pretty sure, that across the Galaxy, Ben was lying sleepless as well.  
     My stomach knotted, and my fists clenched around the ragged sheets.  
    Shame crested and fell, crashing like a tidal wave inside of me. My continual inability to tell Leia the truth making me sick to my stomach. The lies I had told we’re getting too twisted, turning into something I hadn’t intended. I felt horrible for just standing there, letting her go on about what she had felt in the force, unable to comfort her or reassure her. Instead she left, probably feeling stupid and erratic. When she had in fact gotten it exactly right.  
     Dragging a hand over my eyes I groaned into the darkness. The nights events suddenly seemed just as crazy and reckless as they had been. Had I really been sitting there, comforting my greatest enemy? when I should’ve tried to needle information out of him, or tried to push him out of my mind. I was putting myself at risk, and above all, what little was left of the resistance. Still I had done none of those things.  
     It was unfortunately easier said than done, as the intimacy of our connection made it really hard to think clearly. Made it hard to push him out. I could just as soon, push a part of myself out. At least that’s what I tried to tell myself, to justify my actions.  
    Countless hours later, after lying stiffly on my back and staring with burning eyes at the white ceiling for what seemed like an eternity, I finally got up and dressed quickly. The facility had no windows, so I couldn’t really gauge time by looking at the light, but I thought it must be morning at least. Eyeing the broken pieces of the lightsaber next to my bed wistfully, I eventually picked up my staff instead, slinging it across my back. It was time to get myself back together and stop moping around, it wasn’t like me. I never gave up.  
    Still the revelation of my true heritage, or rather lack thereof had knocked the wind out of me, in more ways than one. The realization that I’d spent the entirety of my life, waiting on people that would never return; that didn’t want me, really hurt. There had always been this creeping suspicion within me, that there wasn’t anyone coming back for me. But still I had hoped, relentlessly. It was what had kept me alive all these years, what kept me fighting even when all seemed lost. What made me look for them in every person I met.  
      But in the end, they weren’t special. They were nothing, and now they were dead.  
     It had taken me sometime to comprehend, but I knew now that Ben hadn’t said what he’d said to hurt me, even though it had stung like hell at the time. It had been the only natural cause of action to him. That together, parentless as we were - him by his own design, and me by fate’s cruel hand - were meant to be together. He thought the revelation would make it easier for me to shed my past and my beliefs to join him. And though it had shaken me to the core, shredding my hope and making me question everything I believed in, the end result hadn’t been what he had expected. His vision hadn’t come true either.  
      And so he had made his choice, and I had made mine.  
      Navigating the empty underground corridors, I quickly managed to get a hold of a few ration packs. Luckily this place, old as it was, was well stocked with dehydrated food. Climbing up the stairs and pushing the large hatch door open, I stumbled out on to the sands, squinting and shivering. The cold temperatures that had ravaged the desert landscape during the night still held its claws on the surroundings, even as the orange sun had started to rise low in the horizon. Rubbing my arms I slowly made my way over to where we had stored the Falcon. Upon landing we had covered it with several large sand-colored tarps to make it invisible from above. The shape was after all well known across the galaxy, and I was sure the First Order were on the lookout for us everywhere. But it was easy to spot if you knew just what to look for.  
    Finding the irregular shape I crouched down in the sand, lifting the heavy material. I edged my way underneath, feeling rivulets of sand cascade down over my head as I did. Sandstorms had swept across the landscape during the night, showering the tarp in massive amounts of sand, which only served to hide it better. I shook my head vigorously trying to get rid of as much as possible,but to no avail, the sand had lodged itself firmly against my skin. It would have to do, until I could visit the refresher, I was after all used to the itchy feeling of sand inside my clothes.  
    Stepping under the dim canopy I followed the sounds of banging. Somewhere, Chewie wasalready hard at work, repairing the ship. Even though no permanent damage had been done to the Falcon, the First Order’s tie fighters had done a real number on its hull. Nicking it here and there. Chewie had been at it since we landed. I’d tried to help him some in the beginning, but my apathy had made me slow and clumsy.  
     I finally found him crouched at the rear of the ship, repairing a loose panel. His furry hands struggling to wield a small instrument within. The wiring beneath fizzed and sparked, completely busted.  
     ”Need some help with that?” I asked. The banging ceased as he turned towards me, completely unperturbed. His excellent hearing had probably alerted him to my presence as soon as I touched the tarp. Chewie roared his assent, taking a step back and stretching to his full height again. His massive form towered over me as I looked up at him with a smile on my lips. It was really strange that someone of such intimidating stature could make you feel so safe. At ease.  
      I waved the packages in front of him.”I snagged a few food rations from the cafeteria, have you eaten yet?” He grinned, showing sharp teeth and shook his head.  
     We decided to leave the busted panel he’d been working on for the moment, and trudged up onto the ship. Preparing the meal was second nature, we just added water and then ate quickly in companionable silence. The food wasn’t anything special of course, but it was filling. Luxurious compared to the meager meals I’d been living on, on Jakku. Getting by on what ever Unkar Plutt saw fit to give me for my wares. I scraped the plate clean - snatching the rest of Chewie’s veg meat when he left a chunk behind - before finally getting back to the task at hand. I took over the rewiring of the busted circuit behind the panel, and Chewie started to repair bigger holes and nicks on the hull. Sometimes resorting to banging directly on indentations and bumps, his massive fists more effective than proper tools. I quickly lost myself in the work, thankful to be doing something that kept my mind blissfully occupied.

 *****

We called it a day hours later. For some of the bigger repairs we needed to find replacement panels and parts. It was also becoming unbearably hot under the thick tarp canopy, and if we stayed out much longer one of us was going to suffer from a heat stroke. Splitting up, Chewie headed down to the base to see if he could salvage any usable parts from the storage. I went in the other direction, deciding I wasn’t ready to go inside yet, despite the heat. The underground facility made me feel claustrophobic and antsy.I was used to an open sky over my head.  
    The sun has passed its zenith but still burned relentlessly above my head, making sweat bead on brow and dampen my clothes. Heat made the air ripple and swirl over the cracked landscape. The familiarity of it all didn’t feel comforting, instead I missed the lush green of Takodana and Ahch-to. Still I wandered further away from the base, towards a small outcropping of rocks that jutted out from the flat landscape. It wasn’t exactly secluded, but it was the only cover I could find.  
    There I pulled out my quarterstaff, flexing and stretching my sore muscles. Trying to work out a kink in my neck. Putting my whole head inside the panel hadn’t really been comfortable. And even though several days had passed since my battle against the praetorians, my muscles still ached from the immense exertion. High on my arm, over my wrappings the newly healed skin stretched taught as I swung my arm in a circle. A praetorian guard had managed to slice me there, the electro-plasma blade searing my skin. Leia had helped me to apply a bacta patch when we landed, but it had still scarred. Two jagged lines, new additions to the vast library of scars I had collected during the years.  
    I swung the staff experimentally through the air, reveling in its familiar weight and feel in my hands. Even though it could never compare to Luke’s lightsaber, it was like an extended part of my arms. A part of my body.  
   Reaching down to my belt, I unscrewed the cork on my canteen, taking a healthy swig. The tepid water barely managing to slake my thirst, but it would have to do. Taking a deep breath, I widened my stance, letting my right foot skid through the sand to find the right and balanced position. My hands slipped across the worn leather as I repositioned them absently, my right hand clasping the lower grip, angling backwards, and my left hand safely curled around the other. I bent my knees, keeping my back straight as I leaned slightly forwards. The staff angled backwards across my arm, lightly brushing the small of my back. I looked straight ahead, squinting against the burning sun.  
     Exhaling slowly through my nose, I tried to remember my first lesson with master Luke. To feel the force around me, to find the balance in between. Closing my eyes I reached out with my mind, stretching my awareness, until I could feel the ebb and flow of every living thing around me. Desolate as the desert was, the earth teemed not only with death and decay, but with life. Tiny pinpricks of light dancing across my awareness. Thrumming with force. It might not have been as strong or as easy to spot as it had been och Ahch-to - the birthplace of the Jedi - but it was there nonetheless, as invisible as the air around me, but more palpable. Mine to channel.  
      The first swing was effortless, my hands straining around the worn fabric I had wrapped around the staff. I smiled grimly, inhaling through my nose, the air so hot that it almost scorched my nostrils.  
      This I could do, this was me.  
      Baring my teeth, I swung over and over again. Working myself to exhaustion. Loving the familiar strain in my muscles. Swiveling the staff in my hands I lunged, letting my right foot push me forwards. The momentum kicking up sand in my wake. My aim was true, hitting the same spot in the air infront of me, over and over again.             
      Mid-movement I suddenly felt a creeping sensation along the back of my skull. I froze, panting loudly as I listened. At first all I heard was a static background noise, the wind rustling the sand.. and then barely discernible.. measured breathing. I scowled, muttering without turning.  
     ”Can we please just not do this now?”  
       An endless second passed.  
      ”You know I didn’t choose to be here Rey.”  
      I spun around, sand pluming around my feet. The staff in my hands was already angled forwards, ready to strike. The contrast between my surroundings and his was jarring, like night and day clashing. I felt just as blind as I did when I turned off the light before going to sleep. Blinking furiously, I tried to adjust my vision to his dark surroundings, the effort making my eyes water and blurr. After some time, his black form began to take shape infront of me, the dark interior of a spacecraft bleeding around the edges. Not the Supremacy I noted, more likely a Star Destroyer.  
     If I had intended to strike, my aim would’ve been correct. The head of the staff hovered just a few inches from his heart. Slowly I let my eyes travel from his black-clad chest to his pale face. The features far to familiar to me at this point. What I saw there made me feel cold even in the blistering heat of the desert. I did not see the same naked vulnerability he had unintentionally shown me during the night, his eyes were cold and hard as metal discs, his full lips set in a thin line. He obviously hadn’t meant for the connection to open up.  
      Twisting quickly, I righted my stance, letting the staff angle backwards until it was placed upright in the sand beside me. I straightened my knees and turned fully towards him. Observing him more closely, it was obvious that he was in better shape than he had been last night. Maybe he had finally caught some sleep after all. The dark hair framing his face, fell in soft, almost carefully styled waves. His black garb, pristine. He still wasn’t wearing his cowl or helmet however,which was a bit odd, but it probably meant he was alone.   
      He stood rigidly under my scrutiny, broad shoulders stiff as he clutched something in his hands. A datapad of some sort?  
     ”What are you doing?” I asked before I could stop myself.  
      My question seemed to throw him off guard a little, even as he regained his cold composure quickly.  Angling the data-pad in his hands so I couldn’t see what he was viewing.  
      ”That is none of your concern."  
      I took a hesitant step towards him, watching his eyes widen as I did. The closer I got, the more of his surroundings seemed to solidify around him. He was standing before a table, laden with holopads and other technical equipment I didn’t recognize. Their light flickering, casting his face in a blueish light from below. My eyes narrowed in suspicion. He seemed to be researching something - possibly our location. Yet he had told me that he had set his sights on something else, could this be it?  
    ”Planning the destruction of another planet?”  
     His jaw clenched as he met my eyes, anger burning in his gaze.  
    ”The First Order does not destroy needlessly, we bring order and peace to the galaxy, unlike your little band of traitors and thieves, that only bring pain and destruction.  
     I blanched ”You can’t be serious Ben.” I took another step towards him ”The resistance is the only thing standing between your order and the complete annihilation of free will in the Galaxy.”  
     He scoffed ”By creating chaos, bloodshed, endless destruction and -”  
     I shook my head, anger painting my cheeks as I cut him off  ”The First Order committed genocide, obliterating the entire Hosnian system, there is no comparison”  
    Something flickered in his eyes, an emotion momentarily cracking the mask. ”We did what was necessary to ensure order.”  
    ”What was necessary?!” I echoed, my voice rising to a shriek.  
     He flinched ”What’s necessary isn’t always easy Rey.. and, it wasn’t my decision. It was out of my hands.”  
     ”So you just stood by silently and let thousands of innocent people get slaughtered? that doesn’t make it any better Ben. It’s worse.”  
      That made him look away from me, grasping the datapad so hard that I feared it might break. When he finally he spoke again, his tone was measured and controlled. Visibly tamping down on his anger. Though I couldn't fathom why he even made the effort. Didn't he know by now, that I saw through all his pretenses.  
   ”What is done is done. We can’t change the past. It will only hold us down”  
_And that is why I could never take your offer Ben_ I thought bitterly.  
     With a groan of frustration I threw up my hands. I was getting nowhere with him. It was like trying to have a conversation with a wall. All he was capable of doing was repeating the endless propaganda of the First Order. The same mindset that had been drilled into his mind for years.  
     He was finally free from Snoke's oppressing control, so why wouldn’t he truly break free from it?  
    Picking up my staff, I promptly turned and walked away. The soles of his boots scraped against the floor as he turned his back to me, his attention reverting back to the data on his desk. Seemingly unbothered by our exchange, even as the rage that I could feel simmering just beneath the surface, said otherwise.  
    I took a few steps forward, trying to loosen the tension from my limbs. Trying to ignore the fact that he was standing just a few feet away from me. Shaking my head and gnashing my teeth together I forced myself to concentre. Bending my knees, and flipping the staff backwards I tried to pick up where I had left. Inhaling and closing my eyes, my fingers flexed around the hilt of the staff as I tried to force myself to calm down. Feel the ebb and flow of everything around me. Just not him. The black void somewhere behind me.  
    Exhaling loudly, I felt my skin prickle with energy as I tapped into the force.  
    ”You’re stance isn’t completely balanced.”  
    My eyes flew open and my whole body stiffened, concentration shattering like glass. The voice didn’t come from far away, Ben had spoken right behind me. I spun around, only to find him a few feet away from me. I stumbled a little, thrown of balance by his proximity.  
     ”What did you say?”  
     There was no mockery or anger in his face. If anything, he looked a bit unsure.  
    ”I said you’re stance isn’t completely balanced,you put too much weight on your right leg. And you aim with your whole arm, when just a flick of the wrist would be enough.”  
_How long had he been watching me?_  
     I gritted my teeth, eyes narrowing to slits.”My stance is just fine thank you.”  
    ”You’re an excellent fighter Rey. You’re technique just isn’t as refined as it could be.”  
    ”Well not everyone has had the luxury of being trained by a Jedi master like you.” I spat, not that he had appreciated that privilege.  
      He stiffened, countenance taking a turn for the worse. ”You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
     I swung the staff towards him, pointing. ”Enlighten me then.”  
      His fists clenched at his sides as he sighed. ”The training I received during my younger years, and lately, are similar when it comes to fighting. Balance needs to be found in the body as well as in the mind. It’s not always just about the light and the dark Rey”  
     I stared at him mutely, unwilling to give in. He had once offered to be my teacher. And even though I was sorely in need of one, I never pictured I would receive this kind of help. Not from him.  
     Finally I shook my head ruefully. ”Fine, tell me what to do then.”  
      He was silent for a moment, looking like he didn’t believe my words. Then he finally strode towards me, taking up position beside me. The darkness of his quarters fading a little around the edges. Bending his knees, he let his right foot slide behind him as he angled his saber infront of him. It was a movement I recognized grimly, from Starkiller base. Yet he didn’t ignite it.  
      ”Like this, you can’t place too much weight on you’re right foot, that will make it easy for someone to overbalance you in a real fight.”  
      Scowling, I unwillingly mirrored his movements, bending my knees slowly and then trying to find a new point of balance. He didn’t smile, but I almost thought I saw approval in his dark eyes. ”Yes, now try to swing again.”  
     Looking away from him I turned my gaze ahead, gripping the staff in both hands. With a loud huff, I pivoted my upper body and spun the staff infront of me. A wild grin broke out across my face before I could stop myself. It actually felt better, as if there was more force behind my blow. The grin froze on my face when I suddenly felt Ben behind me. The side of his body pressing into mine, as his gloved hands gripped my wrist lightly. Guiding my movements. I flinched, but didn’t try to escape his grip.  
    His low voice right behind my ear made goose-prickles rise along my neck. Whether from fear or something else I couldn’t quite decide. I swallowed loudly, heat staining my cheeks. ”Now try it again, but control the movements only with your wrists.”  
     Nodding, I let his large hands guide me as I swiveled the staff and then lashed out. Making it snap in the air in front of me. He was right, it did feel  better. The movement even more controlled than before.   
     He let go of me, taking a step back. Giving me an encouraging nod, urging me to try again. The absence of his hands around made wrists made my skin prickle. I shook my head, concentrating on the staff once again. Correcting my stance, I swung again. Repeating the movement he had showed me, until I had perfected it.   
     Turning slowly I lifted my face, meeting his eyes as he towered over me. The shadows under his eyes didn’t seem so dark anymore as he met my gaze. An unidentifiable emotion tugged at the corner of my lips as we stared at each other in silence.  
    Unexpectedly, he stretched out a hand towards me. I recoiled slightly, unsure of his intentions. But his hand only swept the side of my cheek as he brushed aside the strands of hair that had slipped out from my messy knot again. His large hand surprisingly gentle. My pulse beat so loud in my ears that I couldn’t think clearly. _Snap out of it Rey_  
   Pulling his hand back, he gazed absently down at his gloved fingertips. The look on his face foreign to me. The sun beat down mercilessly over us, but the skin he had touched felt even hotter than before. Close to boiling.                                                          
   He frowned, then asked quietly, without looking at me. ”Is that sand in your hair?”  
   The whole world around me suddenly came into sharp focus, my heart kickstarting and revving under my ribcage. His eyes flashed to my face, understanding brightening their depths.   
   ”You’re on a desert planet.” it wasn’t a question, it was a statement.  
   Panic roared through my body, all my focus honing in on him. On the threat. With a growl, I bent my knees, finding the perfect stance instantly. The staff spun between my fingers as I lashed out, hitting him square in the chest. Managing to channel some force into the blow. Eyes flashing in anger, and mouth open in a soundless roar, he flew backwards, crashing into the wall panel behind him. The pain searing through his body, breaking the connection immediately.  
    My ears popped and my vision blurred as our worlds ripped in two, and suddenly I was surrounded by desert on all sides. Wind howling around me and sun burning my eyes. Breath hissed between my teeth as I stared panting at the spot were he had been. I could barely feel the staff in my hands. He had seen the sand in my hair, had he guessed my location?  
     Suddenly I was running, slipping the strap of the staff over my head. My feet carrying me over the sand without conscious effort. I needed to get away. I needed to not be here.  
     Finding the entrance to the base I rushed past the guard, mumbling some inane excuse before ripping the hatch door open, and thundering down the steps. The artificial lights scorched my eyes as I barreled down into the winding corridors, the soles of my shoes creating a rough staccato against the concrete floor. People got out of my way when they saw me coming, barely managing to get away from me as I catapulted through doorways. I ignored them, not even registering their faces, as I fled like prey from its predator.  
      A hand suddenly shot out after me, closing around my elbow, forcing me to come to an abrupt stop. Warm brown eyes met mine questioningly, as I spun around, a volley of curses ready to shoot from my lips.  
     "Are you okay Rey?”  
     It was Poe, of course. I tried to shake free from his grasp, but his grip remained firm. ”Did something happen?”  
     Breathlessly I shook my head, casting my eyes around for anything, an excuse, a reason to leave. This only caused Poe to draw me closer to him. I met his eyes, willing my features to smooth. He wasn’t much taller than me so I didn’t need to look up.  
     ”It’s nothing.” I croaked. Poe gave me a dubious look, inspecting my sandy garb and sunburned face. He opened his mouth to ask something else, when Finn suddenly stepped out from the doorway just behind him. Which meant we had to be close to the med-bay. Panic made my vision blur and my breath feel short. I couldn’t deal with this right now.  
    Finn’s expression turned to concern as soon as he spotted me beside Poe. ”Whoa Rey, what’s wrong?”  
    I shook my head mutely, unable to find my voice, before repeating my _It’s nothing_. Finn gave me a look that said he didn’t believe me. Forcing myself to still, I cleared my throat. ”Really, it’s nothing. I just felt a bit exposed out there in the open, and decided to head inside.”  
     Poe raised a brow. ”At a dead run?”  
     Forcing my sun-cracked lips into a wry smile, I shrugged. ”I was just in a hurry.”  
     Poe released me suddenly, taking a step back and crossing his tanned arms as he regarded me. ”Did something happen out there?”  
     Next to him, Finn crossed his arms as well, giving me a once over. ”Yeah,you look like hell Rey.”  
     That made me roll my eyes ”Thanks Finn, you really know how to cheer someone up.”  
     "You know what I mean.” Finn sighed.   
     I grimaced in response, they really weren't making this easy for me.  ”Really I’m okay, I was just practicing some of what Luke taught me, and now I just need to rest.”  
     That seemed to shut them up. A look passed between the two of them that I couldn’t decipher, then Finn nodded slowly. ”If you say so Rey, but I hope you know you can talk to us, if there’s anything you want to tell us?”  
     I nodded seriously. ”I know.”  
    ”Good. Well, we’ll see you later then. I don’t know if you’ve heard but the General has called a meeting. One of Leia’s former allies has answered our distress signal.”  
     The news should’ve made me happy, but fear was clouding all my senses.  
     ”Yes I’ll be there.” I acquiesced.  
     At last, they let me go. I walked away slowly, forcing a casual spring to my steps, making sure to give them a smiling wave as I went. As soon as I rounded the first corner I was off again, my feet slapping against the floor as I ran. The corridors seemingly endless as I tried to retrace the steps to my room. When I finally caught sight of my door, I almost sobbed in relief. I rushed towards it, slamming my palm against the panel. The door sprung open with a hiss and I pushed it inwards striding inside. Shutting the door behind me, I threw the quarterstaff to the side with a clatter, and let my back slide along the cold doorframe until I sat flush against the floor, my head between my knees.  
       My mouth tasted of iron, my hissing breaths burning my throat. Tears filled my eyes without falling.  
_What had I done?_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m back! I just couldn't resist continuing this story. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left me kudos and commented on my first chapter, it’s really encouraging. It really is nerve wracking to publish something online, I don't even show my writing to my friends and family. And its especially hard when you're not writing in you're own language. 
> 
> I still don't have an exact idea of where this story is going, I'm mainly just writing to entertain myself and because I can't get enough of Rey and Ben. But I have roughly 3 more chapters planned out, so I'll hopefully be able to post them soon as well. And yeah, this is for sure a ”slow burn”, I just don’t see insta-love happening for them (even if that would be very nice) but there definitely will be more romance in the future, don’t you worry!
> 
> Please feel free to let me know if you like my writing or not, I appreciate comments, kudos and any sort of feedback you can leave me. I just want to know if this story is even worth continuing! :)


	3. Good News & A Change of Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is distraught after her latest force connection with Ben. Now she fears she has become a great liability to the resistance by letting their greatest enemy into her mind. When General Organa delivers some good news it only makes Rey even more certain of what she has to do now, but Ben gets in her way once again.

_Now I'm fighting this war since the day of the fall_  
_And I'm desperately holding on to it all_  
_But I'm lost_  
_I'm so damn lost_

 _Oh I wish it was over_  
_And I wish you were here_  
_Still I'm hoping that somehow_

 _'Cause your soul is on fire_  
_A shot in the dark_  
_What did they aim for when they missed your heart?_

 _I breathe underwater_  
_It's all in my hands_  
_What can I do?_  
_Don't let it fall apart_  
_A shot in the dark_  
_A shot in the dark_  
_\- A Shot in the Dark/Within Temptation_

I don’t know how long I sat there, staring at nothing, my back pressed against the cold door. My ragged breaths the only sound in the dark room. Hours could’ve gone by, there was no way to tell. The absence of the sun made me feel weirdly adrift, unhinged.  
    My mind was in uproar, thoughts swirling and warring with one another as I flitted from full out panic, to rage, to despair, to shame. Emotions raging so loudly within me that I eventually resorted to banging the back of my head against the cold door panel, in an attempt to quiet the voices. The internal tug of war giving me a splitting headache.  
    I was afraid for myself and my friends, and that fear, and the threat of him and the First Order made me angry. Then the anger would fizzle out into hopelessness and despair, before it finally turned back to that spark of hope. My hope in him. The Ben I had thought he could be was still very much alive in my mind, that Ben wouldn’t have sold me out, that Ben wouldn’t have hunted me down. Was it possible that, that Ben was real? or was he just yet another figment of my childish imagination. I didn’t know. I couldn’t know. _How would I know?_  
    I snapped my head backwards once again, for emphasis, but it only made my head hurt more. No answers came.  
   After what felt like an eternity later, after a long period of deep and measured breathing with my head between my knees, I finally managed to calm down enough to stand up and brush the sand from my clothes. I was overanalyzing this, making it to be  worse than it actually was. Yes he had guessed that we were on a desert planet, but so what? there were countless desert planets along the outer rim. The chances of him finding this particular one, was slim. And I didn’t think that he was about to send a search vessel out to every desert planet in the system. He wasn’t that desperate, or that stupid. By the time he found us, we would be long gone anyways.  
This was not our permanent residence, I had to remind myself. This was just a brief stop, before we found a more safe location. Preferably at one of Leia’s old allies home planets. Which reminded me, Finn said Leia had been able to get a hold of one of her old allies. Maybe she would tell us were we where headed next not he meeting she had called. I needed to be there, and possible spur the others into action. Convince them that we needed to change our location, without giving rise to suspicion.  
    Determined, I headed to the refresher, stripping my worn garments as I went. I needed to get the itchy sand of my skin and hair. There was no telling when this meeting would start. Stepping inside the small structure, I fiddled with the dials, unsure what I was doing. I had never had the luxury of regular showers growing up. And even if this base and everything in it was old, it was far better then the facilities I had, had access to on Jakku.  
    I squealed in shock as icy water splashed down over my head, gooseprickles racing along my arms. My fingers slipped, slick over the dials, before I finally managed to find the one that regulated the heat. A hum of contentment escaped my lips as the water turned tepid, then hotter and hotter. I wasn’t satisfied until it turned scalding. It felt wonderful. I closed my eyes as the water cascaded down over me, cleansing my body of all the sand and sweat from the desert. Managing to wash away some of my worries.  
    When I finally left my room, I quickly found that the winding corridors were empty of people. The meeting had to have started, and I had no idea how late I was. I started running on a whim, heading for the cafeteria which seemed like the ideal meeting space. As I ran I tried to battle my damp hair in to submission, trying to tame the wayward strands that slipped across my face. I didn’t bother with the intricate buns that I had worn my entire life. They were apart of my past that I had finally decided to let go of. Instead, I sectioned the top part of my hair of into a messy ponytail. Wrapping a leather string around its base to keep it in place.  
    The rumble of voices and scraping chairs was becoming louder ahead of me, signaling that the meeting was indeed held in the cafeteria. I hoped that meant that it was starting, not ending. Rounding a corner I skidded into the large room, my shoes squeaking against the metal floor. Every eye turned my way, the din quieting down. Up a head on a raised platform I saw Leia, who gave me a quick once over, her eyes crinkling at the corners, before she turned back to the crowd.  
    I muttered a few ”I’m sorry’s.” as I made my way to the front row, were Finn and Poe were seated. They welcomed me with silent nods, making room for me between them, Poe giving me a hearty slap on the back, before he turned his attention back to Leia.  
    ”As I was saying.” Leia began, a wry smile turning up her lips ”was that I have some good news. I have successfully made contact with one of my old allies on Naboo, and they have offered us sanctuary on a nearby planet that they own.”  
    A murmur of voices erupted behind me. I could guess what they were thinking. These contacts of her had to be very influential people to own an entire planet, and rich as well. But Leia was royalty after all, of course she would have such contacts.  
    ”We will be heading there in a couple of days. Until then we have to get a few things in order. Poe has been working with a small team to get a couple of old star fighters fit for fight again, and he’s close to succeeding. Isn’t that right?”  
    Poe stood up instantly, saluting ”Yes ma’am”  
    Leia shook her head, grimacing. ”Oh stop it Captain.” A few people laughed, as Poe winked, then plunked down on his chair again.  
    ”When the ships are ready, we’ll be off as soon as possible. I also believe that the Falcon will be flight-ready soon?” a nod towards me, and then towards the back of the room, where I know realized Chewbacca was standing, or rather bending. His large frame too heavy for the rickety chairs, and the ceiling too low to fully accommodate his height. He roared his assent, in answer to her question, and I smiled towards him before turning back.  
     ”I in turn, will be leaving for Naboo, to meet with my old friend and few others that I have been told are of like mind. It is my hope, and my belief that they will be instrumental in the reconstruction of the resistance.” a pause, then ”I will also be bringing Rey.” Her brown eyes suddenly focused on me, and the smile froze on my face. She now spoke to directly to me. ”I have an old friend on Naboo, a friend that might help us get some leverage in the fight against the First Order. I want you to meet her.”  
     The people behind me began murmuring once again. Voices hushed, yet shocked. I on the other hand, was rendered speechless.  
     Leia’s eyes swept the room once again. ”That is all for now.”  
     The sounds of scraping chairs filled the room as people began to disperse, but I didn’t move. I sat frozen in shock, as the others spoke around me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go with Leia. I did, seeing Naboo would be fantastic. Meeting this person she spoke about would probably be really exciting. The problem was me, and the unreliable connection I had with her son. What if the connection opened up in the middle of a meeting, discussing secret plant or the future of the Resistance? There would be no second guessing if he overheard those things. He probably wouldn’t have any problems with recognizing the people we were meeting either. They were his people too after all. No matter how much he had tried to shed his past, I knew there were parts of him that remembered. And then the First Order would come to Naboo in force. Killing everything and everyone on it. I couldn’t be the cause of that. I wouldn’t. I was going to have to try to talk her out of it.  
     I was brutally wrenched out of my planning when a sharp elbow suddenly poked at my ribs. I flinched, hissing in pain. ”That hurt Finn.”  
     The accused shrugged apologetically, brown eyes warm. ”I’m sorry, but we were talking to you, and you’re clearly not listening.”  
     I lifted my gaze to find Leia across from me, observing me closely. She had sat down at the edge of the raised platform, tiredness leaking into her features once more. When she spoke, her husky voice was much less forceful. ”What do you think Rey, about going to Naboo with me?”  
     Swallowing hard, I tried to find my voice. ”It sounds like a good idea, there is still so much I don’t know about the force. And I need all the help I can get.”  
     She nodded sadly. ”I know.”  
     ”But why couldn’t you be the one to teach me about the force? the rumors say you’re just as strong as master Luke was.”  
     Her eyes turned sad, but her tone didn’t brook any arguments. ”I can’t be the one to teach you Rey, my path doesn’t lie with the force, it never has. We need someone who is well acquainted with it, and I think you will find my old friend very helpful.”  
     The chairs behind us groaned and scraped as Chewie made his way to us, sitting down heavily next to Leia. She smiled up at him, pain flaring in her eyes so quickly I was almost sure I’d imagined it. I suspected that every time she saw him, he reminded her of Han and all that she had lost. But the moment passed, and she instead placed a small hand on Chewie’s arm as if she found strength there.   
     ”In the meantime I need you and Chewie to put all your efforts into making the Falcon ready for take-off, it will have to carry a lot of people, a long way.”  
     Chewie agreed whole heartedly, placing a heavy paw on Leia’s shoulder’s, the weight forcing her to loosen her rigid posture. I in turn tried to swallow my guilt and nodded my agreement.  
     Next to me Finn was leaning forward in his seat. ”With all due respect General, I want to accompany you and Rey to Naboo. I think she needs someone to have her back.”  
     I cringed inwardly, _no no no_ , I didn’t want Finn to be apart of this too. Especially not when I would have to try to find a way to get away from the General to lead Ben’s attention away from the resistance. Having Finn there would make getting away so much harder, and the betrayal ten times worse. But Leia quickly set my mind at ease.  
    ”I appreciate the offer Finn, but Rey and I will be fine on our own. We’ll have Chewie on our side as well.” Chewie roared in affirmation. ”Besides I think Poe will need you at his side to guide the resistance. They look up to you, and will listen to you.”  
     Finn started to protest, but I shook my head, placing a hand on his knee. ”Leia is right Finn, you’re needed here with the resistance. Rose needs you.” a low blow I knew, but it had to be done. ”Besides Leia and I won’t be gone for long I’m sure, and we can take care of ourselves.”  
     ”But..” he huffed, to no avail, Leia wouldn’t have it. ”The choice is made soldier, you are going to stay behind with the resistance, that is an order.”  
     Finn’s full lips thinned in disapproval, but he didn’t say anything else. I breathed a silent sigh of relief. Now I would just have to figure out how I would get away from both Leia and Chewie.  
     Leia drew me back to attention as she cleared her throat. ”Now that, that’s settled let’s talk about our supplies. Have you managed to find any salvageable weapons or ammunition Poe?”  
     Poe needed little persuasion to launch into a detailed overview of our remaining assets. I relaxed in my chair, content to listen for now.

 

****

 

They were discussing fuel when something suddenly made my senses riot. The prickling sensation along the back of my skull was the first warning sign. Then the hollowing feeling in my ears, as they adjusted to the sounds coming from around me, and from around him. As if I was picking up two radio signals at once. I paled, feeling the warmth leach from my skin, the words I’d been about to speak dying before they left my lips. I had about a split second to make a decision. What if Leia would be able to see him just as Luke had?  
    I shot to my feet, panic quickening my senses.  
    Leia blanched. ”What is it Rey?”  
    My gaze slipped unseeingly past her alarmed face, her brown eyes filled with concern. Behind Leia’s chair, a dark form was beginning to take shape, his dark eyes zeroing in on me. He lifted a brow in question, but I averted my gaze quickly. My palms felt clammy, my legs itched to run. I swallowed, trying to smooth my features as I looked down at Leia, Finn and Poe again. My voice was fairly steady as I rambled. ”I just remembered I forgot something on the Falcon, I want to take a look at it before I get back to work tomorrow. I’m really sorry.” And then I turned, bolting for the door. Probably the worst excuse I had ever come up with in my life, but all the other ones I'd thought of gave too much away. Ben knew about the Falcon, and it was therefore safe to mention.  
    A couple of ”Heys” and ”Whats” followed in my wake, but I didn’t stop. Didn’t say anything else. I didn’t want to risk giving anything away, no matter how small and inconsequential. I could sense Ben’s confusion as I swept out of the room, his presence close behind. I set off in a brisk walk, navigating the endless corridors, trying to put as much space between myself and the others as possible. I finally found a small alcove, situated at the end of a long, and empty corridor. I still swept one last searching look along the corridor, before I turned to the small indented space before me. It wouldn’t be good if someone caught me talking to a wall. I crossed my arms.  
    ”This is becoming a nuisance.”  
    A beat of silence ”Agreed.”  
    I looked up, meeting his eyes unwillingly. A surge of heat pooled in my stomach, making my cheeks heat. He was standing rigidly in front of me, his dark surroundings bleeding around the edges like a dark storm cloud. An invading presence in the otherwise tranquil corridor. I shrugged of my discomfort, narrowing my eyes. Three meetings within the span of one day. This was really getting out of control. I was becoming a true liability to the resistance. Which only hammered in the urgency of my plan further, I was going to have to get away from Leia and Chewie, as soon as possible.  
    ”You said you were trying to find out more about this bond between us, how is that going?”  
     His jaw worked. ”Its a bit hard getting somewhere with my research when the connection keeps opening up.”  
     My brows pinched together. ”It wasn’t my doing.”  
     ”Well its certainly inconvenient.” he spat, leaning towards me, trying to intimidate me no doubt. I stood my ground unflinchingly.  
     ”So leave.”  
     His dark eyes narrowed before he finally said. ”I don’t know how to do it at will..and I would prefer it if you didn’t slam me into a wall again.”  
     I almost blushed, but I forced my features to remain nonchalant, aloof. ”I had to get away from you, before I jeopardized the whole of the resistance.”  
     He scoffed. ”What resistance?”  
     ”What little is left of us after you and you’re people slaughtered us.” he didn’t look apologetic, which only made me angrier. ”Just tell me, are you coming after us?”  
      It was hard to be sure but I could’ve sworn he looked disbelieving.  
     ”Coming after you?”  
     ”You seemed sure of what type of planet we are hiding on, and I assumed you would send your whole fleet after us.”  
     ”There is no point in trying to find your current whereabouts, you seem to be leaving anyways.”  
     I almost gasped before I could stop myself. ”You don’t know what you are talking about.”  
     His eyes flashed with malice. ”Don’t I? because you were talking to the others about it, just now. Your plans to leave.”  
     My hackles rose as fear coiled white hot within me once again. I took on involuntary step backwards, out in to the corridor, casting my eyes around me to make sure once again that we were alone. Not that it would help if he was on to us. My voice was surprisingly steady when I finally answered. ”What makes you think that?”  
     He cocked a brow, giving me a look that seemed to say ”I’m not stupid”, but instead he said. ”I heard you talking to the others, talking about you leaving.”  
     I froze, breath hitching in my throat. Had the connection opened up further, allowing him to see the people around me? had he been able to see Poe and Finn?  
     Ben watched me silently, gauging and appraising my reaction as always, looking for a tell or an indication of my real thoughts. We were two pieces of a jumbled puzzle that we couldn't help but try to solve.   
     ”You saw them?” I whispered.  
     His jaw worked, flexing beneath his pale skin but he didn’t answer. Finally he looked away, sighing as he admitted. ”No, I just saw you. But it was easy to figure out who you were talking to.. that traitor FN 2187” he almost spat the words. ”and her..” he trailed off, fists clenching at his sides.  
      Leia, he had heard her. I looked up at him, trying to see a trace of some emotion in his face. A hint of some lingering sentiment over his mother. He showed nothing. I decided I would try a different course of action, trying to goad him into admitting he still felt something for his mother.  
    ”Leia still hasn’t given up on you Ben.” _And neither have I,_ I added silently to myself.  
     He visibly flinched, recoiling from my words, but he didn’t refute them. He didn’t say anything at all. The seconds ticked by slowly as we stood there, facing each other, but not really looking at one another. The darkness of his surroundings clouding the edges of my vision, like a cancer spreading. I soon couldn’t tell where my world ended and his began.  
    I was wrenched back to reality when he finally spoke again, his words so silent that I almost thought I’d imagined them.  
    ”I thought she was dead.”  
    My eyes flicked unbidden to his face. He was still looking away from me, his dark eyes alit with conflict, as he chewed on his lower lip. A roiling wave of emotion trickled through the connection to me, making me shiver with their intensity, but as usual they were too tumultuous for me to fully catalogue or comprehend.  
     ”I thought she died on the Raddus when then other Tie fighters blew up the bridge.”  
     Shock widened my eyes. So his mother had been right after all. I had heard her telling Connix a few days ago that she didn’t think Ben was the one responsible for the destruction of the bridge. She had sensed him out there in his TIE Silencer right after he destroyed the hanger, but she knew he hadn’t been the one to pull the trigger on the bridge. And to her that mattered. To me as well. But it had been obvious that Connix hadn’t really believed her, even though she had listened patiently without protesting. I hadn’t known what to believe, I’d just hoped.  
     There was regret in his face now, almost imperceptible, but I could finally decipher that emotion from the maelstrom of sensations coming from him.  
     Clearing my throat, I finally managed to say ”She is much stronger with the force than any of us ever imagined, I guess it really does run in the family.” I smiled wryly. ”The others say she managed to pull herself back to the ship with the force alone. She was unconscious for a while afterwards, but she’s back on her feet now. As strong and determined as ever.”  
      Ben’s eyes finally met mine, and a dizzying jolt went through me, electrifying my veins. I stared up at his angled face, trying so hard to gauge the emotions that was flitting across his features. For a moment I almost convinced myself he was going to smile. Then the light in his eyes flickered, and petered out once again. His features shuttering as he slammed the mask back into place.  
      ”Pity, her death would’ve served the First Order well.”  
      I shook my head in exasperation ”Ben.”  
      But he turned away, somehow closing his mind from mine. His footsteps clicked against the metal floor as he walked away from me, fading from view as he retreated into the darkness of his quarters. The connection between us stretched taut and then snapped like a rubber band. Our minds springing back to their original state. In its place my surroundings slowly materialized around me, filling up every nock and cranny of the dark void in front of me. For a moment I just stood there, disoriented, as I tried to readjust myself. Then I turned back to the corridor and walked the many steps back to my room.  
     I didn’t know what to believe anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOO I'm back again. I've had the idea for this chapter since christmas, but it has taken me so long to finally sit down and write it.  
> The Reylo craze has settled down somewhat within me, but I'm still just as crazy about them, I can't wait to see what will happen with them next.


	4. Revelations & A Sense of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wakes up from yet another gut wrenching nightmare, to find the connection flung wide open again. But this time she isn't eager to close it. The dream has showed her a truth that she has previously been unable to see.

 

 _In the blink of an eye_  
_I can see through your eyes_  
_As I'm lying awake I'm still hearing the cries_  
_And it hurts  
_ _Hurts me so bad_

_\- A Shot in the Dark/Within Temptation_

 

 

”Noooo.” Screaming, I jolted upright in bed. My legs jackknifing under the covers, almost flinging me over the edge, as terror spurred my body upwards. Wetness filled my eyes, spilling over, a hot line tracking the outline of my cold cheek. The scream sputtered and died out into a weak gasp as I slowly registered the dark room in front of me. I blinked trying to clear my eyes from tears. I was back in my room, in my bed. But the pain from the dream was still suffocating in its intensity.   
     Disoriented I ripped the tangled sheets from my body - my sleeping shirt still clinging to my damp skin - and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I clutched the cold bed frame tightly, needing to feel something solid, to ground me firmly in reality.  
    All I could hear was the scream as he fell, plummeting into the depths.  
    All I could see was Han’s painfully familiar face, as I shoved the saber into his heart.  
    No not me - as Kylo, Ben shoved the saber into his heart.  
    The shape of Han’s face was forever etched into his mind. Burned into his retinas. The lines of his weathered face smoothed into calm forgiveness. His calloused hand warm against Ben's cheek. And then the twisting of his features as the ignited blade tore through his flesh. His eyes flickered down to blazing line that seared through his chest, before they traveled back to Ben’s, one last time, filled with an awful acceptance. His hand slipped, and then he fell backwards into the void. Never to resurface. 

_Gone._

The pain that barreled through Ben’s mind at that moment, was unimaginable. Too much for one body to hold. It shattered through all his defenses, all his pretenses. I knew Kylo Ren had truly died at that moment, had been blown out of Ben’s mind forever. Shattered by the insurmountable loss. He could no longer pretend.  
     He had sought to complete his training, to  become all that Snoke had envisioned he would be. To shed the endless weight of his past, it was a vice like anchor, holding him down. Shielding him from his full potential. But it had all backfired horribly. In the dream he recalled what Snoke had said to him, the day after he had killed his father. ”Look at you, the deed split your spirit to the bone” and we both knew it was true. He couldn’t hide his regret from me. The bone deep scar was just as visible as the one I'd slashed across his face.  
    Wiping the damp hair from my forehead I lifted my head slowly, my eyes flickering towards the dark bed I now knew was right across from mine. Ben’s nightmares had drawn me in once again, the raw pain within him causing the connection to open up. There was no closing it. I didn’t think it had ever been this strong before. Nor had my compassion for him.  
    He barely seemed to be aware that I was there. He was sitting up as well, clutching his sheet in his hands as he leaned his head between his knees. His breath coming out in great whistling gulps between his teeth, as he shook uncontrollably. Great rolling sobs tearing through his body. His pain almost palpable in the air itself.  
    His feelings in the dream had been so blatantly loud that I almost hadn’t been able to separate our minds. The usual barrier between us blown wide open. In the dream he had been so conflicted when he saw Han. Why had he come here? why was he forcing him to make this decision? Han hadn’t been involved with the Resistance for years, why couldn’t he have remained that way? These thoughts had been followed by anger, sorrow - then cold resignation. And then when the decision was made, a deep well within him, opening up to swallow him whole. He might as well have been the one to plummet to his death.  
    Letting the tips of my toes touch the cold floor, I slowly got up. Taking one tentative step before I could stop myself. To do what exactly, I didn’t know.  
     Across from me, Ben stilled, finally sensing my presence. His head snapped in my direction, his gulping breaths hitching. The dark tangled mess of his hair hung limply across his forehead, partly obscuring his eyes. But even in the dimness of his room I could see tears glistening on his cheeks. My stomach clenched in sympathy. Before my eyes traveled downwards, finally registering the state he was in. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. His chiseled shoulders heaved as he took in a ragged breath, white skin marred with countless scars.  
    My mind was suddenly drawn back to the last time I had seen him just as bare. The situation had been quite different then. His nakedness had only embarrassed me, and in turn the embarrassment had angered me. And I had screamed at him, raging at him for the murder of his father. Demanded to know why he had done it.  
    I felt none of those things now. His bare skin only made him look more vulnerable, exposed,and after seeing and feeling what I had in his nightmare I could no longer call him a murder. It wasn’t as simple as that.   
    I padded forwards, biting my lip. He just watched me silently, his dark eyes unreadable in the darkness. Somehow I managed to cross into his room, my feet hitting the dark floor without a hitch. His surroundings solidified around me, the mechanics of the ship buzzing and whirring. Pausing before the bed, I averted my gaze, unable to look at him when he was this close. I chewed on the inside of my cheek, wrenching my clasped hands. A moment of hesitation, the seconds stretched, then my knees hit the edge of his bed as I sank down on the edge of the mattress. My mind was blank, I didn’t know what I was doing, I was running on instinct.  
    Carefully, as to not jostle the bed, I lay down beside him, our bodies separated only by a few inches. Turning tentatively on my side, my eyes traveled up to meet his. I held my breath. He still hadn’t said anything, hadn’t moved. I didn’t know how he would react.  
    Finally he seemed to make up his mind, sinking down on his elbows, the mattress groaning at his added weight. His eyes flickered to mine, a wary expression on his face.  
    The silence stretched, thick and heavy between us as we stared at one another. Our frantic heartbeats slowly calming. His panting breaths finally slowing down to normal, the wild look in his eyes quieting. Their hazel depths clear and free of their usual turmoil.  
     Holding my breath I reached out between us, my hand outstretched. Palm up.  
     His throat bobbed as he watched me. Then he took it.  
     Feeling rushed through my entire body, igniting my skin, kickstarting my heart. His calloused hand warm and familiar in mine.  
     ”You’re not alone Ben.” I whispered, it was the only way I knew how to comfort him.  
     He clasped my hand tighter, as he whispered back, voice hoarse from screaming  
     ”I know.”  
     We stayed like that, hands held tightly, silently taking comfort in one another, before I finally drifted off, too exhausted to keep my eyes open. Sleep took me in a way it hadn’t in weeks. In a way it probably never had before. For the first time in ages I felt safe. In a twisted way, his despair had given me the hope I'd so desperately sought. He wasn't completely lost.

 

 _It took a blade, it went in deep_  
_And it was tearing up inside you_  
_Must've been sharper underneath  
_ _Cause there were scars I couldn't undo_

  _What were you thinking?_  
_Why did you let go?_  
_I was still hunting you_  
_What were you thinking_  
_Why didn't I know?  
__When I was right there with you_  

 _If you ever fall, I'd lift you up_  
_If you lose your way, I'll pick you up_  
_And I'm in it with you_  
_And I'm in it with you_  
\- I’m in it with You/Loreen


End file.
